I don’t know where to start. I haven’t blogged in quite a long time, and so much has happened in the past 2 months. Here’s a quick recap:

  • Still living with Jus & Miah- we’re thankful for the hospitality, the family, and good times together while Eric searched for a job and we looked (er, are still looking) for our new home. While there are times that I crave privacy and my own place, I’m taken back to their generosity and letting us stay here for so long.
  • Eric found a job! He’s working in the produce section of City Market, and although it’s not his dream job, it is a good job with good people and they like him. Plus, he works afternoons, so Charis is only in daycare for a half day when we are both working.
  • Charis started daycare! There were tears the first couple times, but when we dropped her off, she ran over to the toys and we were able to sneak out the door without her noticing. And she didn’t cry at all! She seems to love it, and it’s great for this social butterfly to be around other kiddos.
  • Work is going quite well for me. My boss is fantastic (and no, I’m not saying this because she reads my blog! šŸ™‚ She truly is great!), my coworkers are great, and I’m really enjoying building relationships with the students at Western- something that was a big determining factor for taking the job.
  • Our stuff is still in Jus & Miah’s garage, which is difficult at times (I have no idea where my box of winter coats are. Thank goodness there are plenty here for me to use!), I’m certainly learning to get by on less and am excited for the opportunity to pare down even more once we’re moved.

Lastly, we found out the morning of November 18th that we were expecting our second baby. While this came as a total surprise to us (myself especially, as I’m quite the planner and having a baby 9 months into a new job was not my ideal plan!), we were thrilled. The estimated due date was July 10, which would make the baby & Charis a little over 2 years apart, which was in my plans. Our joy quickly took a turn for the worst, as the ultrasound at our first appt showed an empty yolk sac. My Dr. told me that it could be a blighted ovum or that the date calculation was off and it was earlier along in the pregnancy than we thought. First dip in theĀ roller coaster. Over the course of the following week, my blood was drawn 3 times to measure hCG levels and although they weren’t doubling every 2-3 days like they should, it was increasing. My Dr. saw this as good news and I was scheduled for an ultrasound in the hospital. An upswing on the coaster. At the ultrasound (which the tech was 25 minutes late for, while I was holding an extreme amount of water and had to pee so badly it wasn’t even funny), the embryo measured 6 weeks 1 day (based on my lmp, I was 9 weeks along at this point), and she couldn’t find a heartbeat. Another dip on the coaster. The ultrasound tech was not pleased with the results and said she wished she had found a heartbeat and asked if I was ok. I was definitely saddened by this news, and went to tell Eric. Less than 15 minutes later, my Dr. called and said that because the embryo was bigger, she felt that it was a viable pregnancy. At this point, I didn’t know what to feel, as I was still feeling the effects of the downward ride. I told Eric and we knew we had to remain somewhat realistic over the course of the next two weeks, as that was when she suggested we meet again. Frustrated by this news, and encouraged to see another Dr (an OB, as my Dr was a GP), I made an appointment for…… 2 weeks later. As frustrating as this was, I knew we would have an answer by December 23rd, the day of my appointment.

I know God works in mysterious ways, and he definitely has a sense of humor (I am reminded by this each time I try to take control of my life!), as I was not pleased by the idea of waiting two weeks to find out about this baby’s life. My parents were planning on coming into town on the 22nd, and Miah’s Dad was planning on arriving the 23rd. As an introvert, if I needed to mourn the loss of this baby, I didn’t feel like doing it in front of everyone. I had some spotting Sunday and Monday and told Julie (my boss) about it yesterday. She asked how I was handling the wait, and I told her it was OK, but I really wish I could find out tomorrow rather than Thursday. See? Sense of humor/answering prayers.

I’m venting here and this is your warning to stop reading if you don’t want to hear about the physical things that are happening.

I woke up this morning and found blood in my underwear and in the toilet. It was as if I were starting my period, and I instantly began to sob. I had called the OB’s office yesterday to ask about the spotting, and she said to monitor it, but if it got heavier like I was starting my period, to go to the ER. This was the last thing I wanted, but knew I should do it. Crying, I went into our room and woke up Eric with the news. He hugged me and asked Miah & Jus to watch the girls while we went to the hospital. We drove down together and I simply felt numb. As we got checked in and met with nurses and Drs, my Dr confirmed that I was having aĀ spontaneousĀ miscarriage. She said our options were to let it happen naturally or to do a D&C. Not wanting a D&C, I told her to let it happen naturally was ok with us. She was really great and hugged me, asked us if we needed anything. I just wanted to make sure that this was it, and it wasn’t a fluke or anything. She reassured that over the next couple days it would take care of itself, my hCG levels would be checked again to make sure everything was OK, and I have a follow up appt Monday morning to check everything again.

So here I am, at home, writing about our loss of life. I am confident everything is happening as it should, as I’m continuing to bleed. I’m also confident that God has a plan for everything, and sad as it seems, this is part of His greater plan. I have so many questions that are unanswered now, and I know I have joined a community of other women who have miscarried who also have unanswered questions. All I know is we are sad for this loss, yet thankful for the family and wonderful daughter that we do have. As we left the hospital, we picked up the girls from Miah and Charis came crawling into my lap saying, “Hi mommy, hi mommy” in the sweetest voice. It made me cry tears of thanks for her and her sweet ways. I’m also thankful that Eric & I were able to be together this morning while Dillen & Charis played in her room. I’m focusing on being thankful for the little things now: the soft snow that’s falling outside, God’s provision throughout this move, friends and family, and life. The flowers that Jus & Miah brought me at lunch- thank you!

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised” Job 1:21